I dont think this pain will ever go away. How do you choose between being heartbroken or being heartbroken? All i can think about is him and how i want to be with him and it feels like theres noone there for me, well theres a few. but noone can help to soothe this pain iv never felt before in my life. And theres nothing i can do to to soothe his pain i know must be worse than mine. i cant even stand thinking about him in that much pain. 

But what do i do, where do i go from here? when will i get my motivation back? when will i get him back? Some say this happened because it was meant to, some say i should move on. but i cant. i couldnt leave him at a time like this. i couldnt be with someone else i know i would just be thinking of him. and even if i was with someone else i would always write him. but two years is so long why does this have to be happening to me? noone knows what kind of pain im in they dont understand. theyve never had to feel it or go thru anything like this. So it feels like noone cares but its not theyre fault. its mine i have to deal with this iv never had to deal with things alone. being alone is the worst thing in my life and its the only thing in my life right now. Thank god for my few friends who are really there for me when i need them. without them i dont know what would happen to me i feel like id whither away and die. 

His letter today crushed my heart into powder. He said i should move on but i know how much that would hurt him and theres no way i could do that. how could i live with myself? i couldnt. i have to wait for him. i feel like its right. like its what i should do but fuckkkkkk me im so damn lonely i dont know what to do with myself. so here i am writing to nooone. maybe someone will read this and have some advice? How long would u wait for your man if u had only been together a year? How long would you wait?????????????????

Why does it always feel like my life is crashing down around me? Fuck i dont know how long i can wait. being alone is just about the worst thing ever, especially when you cant be with the one you love. And they love you as much as you love them. It feels like i made all the wrong choices in life and this is the punishment, extreme lonelinesss, and iv never been depressed before in my life! not like this. It feels right and wrong all at the same time and my head feels like its about to explode. Right because I feel like im supposed to wait for him. like im here to be his rock. and wrong because sometimes it feels like i cant do it. like im gunna have to wait forever and like im going to break down but i know i can make it. And what if i wait and in the long run it doesnt work out? It will have all been for nothing and this pain i feel for nothing. So many what-ifs. i know i can wait and that keeps me holding on but not knowing how long ill have to wait for?? Thats torture i cant take much more of this. He is my rock. And loneliness is my hell Ive learned that much. So ill sit her in my hell and wait and maybe itll be the right choice finally and i wont be punished anymore.